The Ugly Truth About My Biz . . . And Me

Ready for my biggest vulnerability story as a biz owner? Here it is:

If you’re wondering why I’ve been sort of MIA the last week, it’s because I’ve been deep in personal heart work, unraveling the dark parts and wounds in my soul.

I’ve put my blinders on when it comes to social media, turned off the outside noise, and am going inward in a way I haven’t experienced before.

You see, I’ve been desperate to make something “real” of my business. To get the kind of “success” that so many others seem to have. And for me, I defined “success” in terms of income.

So in an attempt to take the pressure off and understand where my blocks are and what I’m doing “wrong,” I’ve been in a deep dive with my mentors and friends, taking a break from the constant “what is everyone else doing?” loop playing in the background.

And over the weekend, I had some huge ahas that I did NOT see coming. 

I started looking at my “success metrics” — or lack of them, depending on who you ask — and realized they were just a mirror of what was going on in my soul. 

Which… YIKES.

I started my business about 18 months ago because I have always been a “go big or go home” girl. I’ve always been loud, bossy, direct, fiery, extra, over the top… and I LOVE standing out. I love being bold. I love being seen.

But I spent YEARS being told not to be any of that. Sometimes directly. Mostly indirectly. The same messages most women hear:

You’re too much.
You’re not enough.
Your greatest purpose is to be a mom.
Avoid the appearance of evil (lol – don’t even get me started on that one)
You’ll only be happy if your life look like this — the perfect nuclear family, the tidy house.

And I chased that life. Twice. And I got it. Twice. And it still didn’t fit.

So I started a business because I wanted something that actually felt good to me — something that gave me freedom, joy, purpose, fulfillment. Even though I didn’t know what the hell I was doing yet.

I literally started backwards: I had a spiritual experience during a past-life regression that told me my voice was supposed to be the thing. So I just… started a podcast. Without a plan. Without knowing if I’d coach or sell products or make the podcast the business itself. I just trusted it would come.

And here’s what happened:

Suddenly I was having deeply vulnerable conversations with strangers who saw me, and I saw them.

They listened.
They told me stories that matched mine.
They didn’t judge.
They didn’t dismiss me or distance themselves.

And I built this huge network of women I barely knew, but felt deeply connected to.

Then, as I wanted more, I fell into the business world trap of:

“You should be making money by now.”
“You should have a thriving business.”
“You should be doing what everyone else is doing.”

So I started creating offers from this place of pressure — “Will this make me money? Will this finally prove I’m successful? Will this finally shut up the people who doubt me?”

And I have spent 18 months re-creating everything, all the time. I thought it was because I needed better strategy, marketing, messaging . . . better sales pages, emails, interviews . . . discounts, bonuses, reel after reel . . .MORE MORE MORE.

But the real problem wasn’t in any of that. It was this: 

I was still trying to prove my success to my naysayers and critics, and gain approval from people who had doubted me. I was creating and tweaking from a place of trying to prove my worth.

And I know that’s the most human thing in the world, but my hell! It will also destroy your creativity, your intuition, and your joy if you’re not paying attention.

These last two weeks, I sat with all of it. All the patterns I didn’t know I was running. All the ways I was subconsciously trying to protect myself.

So when I was in a heart medicine ceremony, sitting with my intentions and fears of my biz, my mentor asked me, “What do your ideal clients want from you?” 

I literally said, “I don’t know.” 

Because at that moment — deep in my own heart medicine — I truly didn’t. I didn’t know who my ideal client was supposed to be, what I was supposed to say anymore, what my offer was supposed to be.  

She flipped it and asked, “Okay, then what are your biggest pain points?”

And I sat in that sacred ceremony with a mentor I love and trust, and just spilled everything in my heart. And through that, I realized that my biggest pain point is still the same wound I’ve been carrying forever:

Not being seen.
Not being heard.
Not being accepted.
Not being validated in the fullness of who I am.

Especially by women who feel threatened by me before they’ve even met me.

And suddenly I could see so clearly:

That’s exactly what my audience wants from me, too. 

And here’s the hard part:

I was unintentionally creating the same dynamic I was trying to avoid.

I was showing up like I had everything together so that no one would criticize me, but that only made people think,

“Oh, well, she’s intimidating. She’s beautiful. She has it easy. She doesn’t struggle.”

And I’d feel hurt because no one could see past my face or my body into my actual humanity. But I was also building a pedestal without even realizing it.

I was putting myself “above” women who I thought needed me, and putting myself “below” women I thought were more successful than me.

But we’re all the same.
We’re all trying to figure out if we’re good enough.
We’re all longing for love and acceptance.
We’re all walking toward the same things.

And when I look at the experiences that have felt the most magical — the Kali Goddess photoshoot, my Radiant AF group — my “success” (and I define “success” here as containers where women had the most transformation and life-changing experiences, and some money was made) had nothing to do with money. It came from the vibe of it. The honesty and the love.

The way we all saw each other. The way the growth boomeranged back and forth between us.

Because as facilitator, those experiences were equally transformative and life-changing for me too. While our roles were different, I wasn’t trying to get these women to “rise to my level.” We were all rising with each other.

That’s what I’m here to create.
That’s the direction I’m moving from now on – clear headed and intentional.

No more trying to prove how great I am with biz money.
No more pretending I’ve mastered things I’m still actively navigating.

Yes, there are things I’ve healed — like wearing whatever I want without shame. But there are other things I’m still very much in. And pretending otherwise only reinforces the lie that I’m “above” the women I’m serving.

I’m not.
We’re shoulder-to-shoulder. We rise together!

So this is the energy I’m creating and leading from in Rock Your Style, my free 21-day experience, which is basically like being part of a private podcast with me and a really supportive and fun community.

The kind of courage it takes for me to come online and build communities and create offers and then ask you to step in to it with me and then tell you all my struggles? It’s insane. It’s radical. And that’s what I’m creating for you. 

So if you haven’t jumped into Rock Your Style, do it now. We start Monday, Dec 1.

It’s free, it’s fun, and it will be transformational.
And the only thing you have to do is listen and reflect.

I’m here with you.
Not above you.
Not behind you.

With you.

That’s where I’ve been.
And that’s what’s next.

Join the FREE Experience by clicking HERE!